Parenting in the Digital Age: How to Protect Your Child’s Mental Health in a Smartphone-Driven World

Introduction: Navigating the Digital World as a Parent

‘My daughter got an iPhone for her 9th birthday, and I cried.’

My daughter’s dad and I have co-parented since she was a baby, and I usually don’t have an opinion on the gifts he buys for her, but when I saw the size and shape of the box under the wrapping paper, my heart sank.

The Impact of Smartphones on Childhood

She was, of course, absolutely beside herself. She immediately disregarded every other present that was on the floor at her feet and spent the rest of the day Face-timing us from her bedroom, taking photos and carrying it around in her too-small hands.

My daughter believes in fairies. She likes playing with her babies and didn’t get a tablet until she was 8. I’ve tried to keep her away from small screens as much as possible. I guess I didn’t want her to grow up too fast, or to miss any of the time we had while she still has such a big imagination and loves nothing more than to play.

The Struggle with Boundaries and Screen Time

I picked her up from school the day after her party, and the first thing she said was, ‘I can’t wait to go on my phone when I get home.’ I suddenly felt incredibly sad. If I’m honest, I felt like I was losing my baby, but I didn’t realize that right away. The phone had been as much of a surprise to me as it was to her, so I hadn’t had a chance to consider boundaries, or what felt safe and what didn’t.

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Smartphones

We got home, and she immediately went and picked her phone up and sat completely engrossed, staring at the little screen and stepping over the monopoly game we were in the middle of, which she had been so excited to play a few days earlier. It was then that all my fears and sadness overwhelmed me. I tried to explain to her how I was feeling, but instead, I started to cry.

I told her that I didn’t want her to grow up too fast, but that I also didn’t want to be the one who takes a gift away from her, which she was so excited to receive. We talked about implementing some boundaries, ones that made me feel comfortable and allowed me to feel like I was more in control of her safety and wellbeing. I researched ways to protect my daughter as she gets more involved in the digital world (thank you, Apple, for allowing you to monitor EVERYTHING on your child’s phone—this gave me such peace of mind).

Coping with the Emotional Impact of Technology

I felt a lot calmer after I had worked through some of my own feelings. The feeling of her growing up, knowing that one day soon she will no longer believe in fairies. Knowing that she is my only child, so all of her lasts are my lasts. The fear that she is moving into a world that no longer has me in it as her constant protector, with things that I can’t see, and people I don’t know. The fear that perhaps I haven’t built her self-esteem enough for her to cope with the scrutiny, comparison, criticism, and judgment that comes from connecting outside of the pocket of love I have created for her.

It Was Never About the Phone

One thing I realised was that it was never about the phone, not really. It was about me letting go, acknowledging that she is no longer a baby, and trusting more and more in the values and self-belief I have instilled in her. I know my daughter. I knew that as soon as the novelty wore off, she would lose interest in the phone, because she is still so young, and full of imagination, silliness, forts, crafts, and games. One of the boundaries we agreed on was that once a day, she would check her phone to see if Daddy had called or texted, and she would be able to reply. I believe this was his intention all along—to be able to connect with her without going through me, which I completely understand.

Building Self-Esteem in the Digital World

I watched a YouTube video of Gary Vee, and it was of a lady who asked him, ‘How can I protect my teenage daughter from social media impacting her mental health?’ His reply was simple, and it has stayed with me. He said, ‘Help her build healthy self-esteem.’ If a child knows who they are, has a strong sense of self-worth, believes in themselves, and knows they are loved, it's like a bubble around their mental health. They won’t need to look outside of themselves for validation or to have their needs met. So, I guess it’s on us as parents to be positive role models and to also be that positive voice in their heads that tells them they are amazing just the way they are.

A Positive Outcome

Since my daughter's birthday, I’ve reassessed my own unhealthy habits on my phone, my screen time has halved, and I’ve found I’ve had more time being present and playing with my daughter, which is what I realised through this experience is so precious to me.

It’s funny how things work out.