Body Image vs. Self-Love: Breaking Free from Society’s Beauty Standards

How living with a deformity has shaped me, literally

Introduction to My Scoliosis Journey

Hello darlings, Nikki here.

If you’d have stumbled across my Instagram a few years ago you would have no idea that I have severe Scoliosis. My curvature was 64 degrees before I had surgery when I was 12 (to put it into context, 90 degrees would have made me a right angle… 😂) and I am still considerably wonky since the surgery took place, as it wasn’t as successful as we’d hoped. 

The type of surgery offered to people with Scoliosis has advanced massively since I had it done in 1997, but unfortunately back then all it focussed on was straightening the sideways curve to the spine, it didn’t remove the twist to the ribcage, which has left me with a prominent rib hump (or hunchback, as me and my family like to call it).

Sounds sexy doesn’t it?

After the surgery, I spent 6 weeks in a plaster cast which covered my torso, and when they finally removed it and I got to see my new body for the first time, my heart plummeted. My body was still twisted, although not as severely, and I had honestly expected the surgery to make me look like everyone else. I sank into what I now recognise as a deep depression. I don’t know how long it lasted for, but it felt like years. I started drinking a lot as a teenager, I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, I was told I was unable to do so many things. Life felt limited, dark and very unfair. 

The Emotional Impact of Scoliosis Surgery

There was no-one in the public eye who looked like me. No strong, powerful, beautiful women on the cover of magazines with a prominent twist to their shoulders or hips, struggling to find clothes that fit them. I hid my body, wore a lot of black, had extremely long hair and relied on an overly nice personality to win people over. I people-pleased men into loving me, because in my head I thought that they were getting damaged goods being with me, and I needed to make up for my shortcomings somehow. 

I feel so incredibly sad for that girl, and for anyone who has ever felt the way I did. I neglected my body, eating a load of crap, drinking too much, never exercising properly, I just didn’t really care and kind of gave up because honestly, what was the point? I couldn’t be fixed. It was always going to be like this or worse as far as I was concerned. 

Finding Healing Through Pole Dancing

Fast forward to age 26, and my sister invited me to go to a pole dancing taster session with her. I didn’t want to go, but I did for her. When we arrived, and I watched the studio owners perform, I had tears in my eyes and an overwhelming drive to be able to do what they were doing. I started training every week and I was absolutely useless. Skinny, with no core strength or muscles whatsoever, I struggled to get even the basic moves. But I kept at it, and long story short, I became really bloody good. 

How Fitness and Bodybuilding Changed My Life

This was such a turning point for me. I saw how my body was changing, and what it was capable of. I trained hard and won a little competition at the studio, and decided to do more competitions. My flexibility increased enormously, I went from getting my hands to just below my knees with a hamstring stretch, to having them flat on the floor, I could do the splits, and some of the tricks I was able to do I never in a million years would have thought I could. It was like a light came on, and for the first time, I started to believe in myself, and realised that the limits people had imposed on me all those years ago were wrong. 

When it came to having my daughter, I was told I couldn’t have her naturally as my spine was too delicate. Instead of complying, I fought to have her naturally, and it was the most beautiful moment of my life. I knew my body was capable of it and I was right. 

My Experience with Self-Love and Body Positivity

But understanding that my body was strong and I was capable of so much more was one thing. Cultivating self-love and accepting myself the way that I am was another. And it was much harder to achieve. We are designed to appreciate symmetry, we subconsciously scan faces and see them as attractive if the right side matches the left. So, for someone who is fundamentally asymmetrical, it was very difficult to see myself as beautiful. 

I have done deep work on this. I have had conversations with the right and left sides of my body, finding that the right side (the ‘ugly’ side) had to carry all the burden, and felt left out of the limelight, as I always turn to hide this side of me from people. And the left side wanted to take some of the weight, to be included and to not just be used for instagram or to get attention. I know I sound a bit mental, but it has been so healing to take those two parts of me and combine them together, to make myself whole. I now try to take photos from both angles, and carry my bag on both shoulders - though it feels unnatural, the awareness is there, and I have tried to gain balance and a healthy relationship with every aspect of myself, refusing to reject the parts of me that felt unlovable. 

Looking Forward: Scoliosis Revision Surgery

I began to talk about my spine and my body on social media, showing everyone what my back looks like, and acknowledging that it is okay to be different, that if there wasn’t a role model out there for me, maybe I can be that person for someone else. I started on a weight training and bodybuilding journey to get myself in the best shape of my life, because I love my body and I deserve to feel strong and healthy. And I am never going to give up on myself because I have so much self love, and so much love for the incredible, resilient body I have been gifted. 

But, the funny thing is, since I began this fitness journey in November 2023, a random turn of events has taken place which means that as I write this, I am being considered for Scoliosis revision surgery to correct the twist in my spine, and the surgery which should never have been performed as there had already been new technology which could have been used which would have been far more successful. It is something I never, ever thought was a possibility, and yet the consultant I spoke to is convinced that I have been living with an unnecessary degree of curvature for 27 years, and that I should have it corrected. 

This in itself, feels like a miracle. And I wonder whether the universe sent me on this journey specifically to teach me how to love myself just as I am, before allowing the changes to be made. I am excited for the future, and to see the outcome of these next few months, but no matter what I am already free and I love myself and my body regardless. A straight spine is just a bonus.

Have you or someone you know faced similar challenges? Share your story in the comments, or learn more about our support services.

Learn more about scoliosis surgery advancements from the National Scoliosis Foundation